Yes, I know it’s ridiculous but I’ve been writing all these entries under various names in order to perfect the various disguises that I have in a suitcase which I keep with me at all times and let me tell you it’s no easy shakes being an international man of mystery, disguised as Tom Cruise or a ten-year old Korean boy or even just an ordinary Septic Tank Repairman. I mean with the beard thing. That suckers hard to hide. Usually I tuck it under my armpit but when it’s released it feels like a baby monkey is swinging from my face. Not very high on the list of things that turn women on. Ah well in Paradise, the virgins don’t even mind body odor I hear. A beard that smells of b.o. actually turns them on.
   That’ll be the day-hay-hay when I die. (Buddy Holly was no Muslim but most of his performances did face Mecca. A little known fact that you’re not going to learn on MTV. This is true of several other Infidel rockers from the 50’s. Happy days indeed.)
   In the same way that Hitler was a misunderstood art school drop out, I’m a failed stand up comedian. Yes I did the circuit of small underground clubs in the 70’s but nobody laughed at any of my material. I would hold up cotton, polyester, burlap in front of some packed crowds but nobody really got it. (Badum-Bum – who is actually my nephew, well he would come up on stage after I made those gags but people still didn’t get it) I would have done better in America in the 50’s. Time traveling Muslim comedian. Hey there’s a sit-com idea for Fox !!
   Since the stand up thing wasn’t panning out I decided to try my hand at something else.  Well you know the results.  It’s hard to forget those early days though and sometimes while I’m crouched in a lonely cave or wooing some chick at Cannes (while disguised as Tom Cruise), I think of what could have been. Today I’d like to go back to some material that I think is a little more on the ridiculous side than anything. Something dug up from the past. 
   And remember, please laugh at people’s jokes. Those jokes are all that they have.
  

Built Out of Funny Bones


     From where she was teaching English in Taiwan, Flora flew over to Thailand to renew her visitor’s visa and it was in Bangkok on the second night of her stay where she met the man of her dreams. Two dangerously hammered Canadians had asked her if she took debit cards and where they could swipe them, when Al, a Thai resident who worked at a hotel, slide his foot in front of them. The first drunk toppled over and pulled his friend down with him. Flora walked in the other direction with her hero walking alongside her. 
   “Don’t mind the idiot foreigners,” he said in his soft Thai accent. “They’re just filling the quota of retards that our country has to let in under international agreements.”
    Her heart beat a brand new tune.
    On subsequent visits to Thailand, Flora met up with Al and soon they were in love. He took her south of Bangkok to visit his parents who lived on a warm beach. It was unlike anything the native of Alaska had ever seen in her life. Three weeks later, she watched in shock as the blue line spread up the pregnancy strip. She stepped into the living room and held it up to Al.
   “Ah the dip stick of truth,”  he joked and it felt like something inside of her moved.
   Over the course of her pregnancy, Al played all his North comedy records (Monty Python, Steve Martin and Cheech and Chong) and placed the speakers right up against her growing belly. When the baby was born in a taxi cab on the way to the hospital, the baby seemed to laugh at its arrival into the world. The cab driver, who’d delivered it with the help of an emergency delivery kit kept under his seat, laughed right back.
   In the hospital, the doctor scratched his head under the light of the x-ray. He laughed and laughed. “You’re baby is made entirely out of funny bones. It’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s made of nothing but funny bones.”
   They all laughed and then the doctor got serious.
   “Of course that means he’ll never be able to walk.”
    Flora and Al were silent.
    But as the months and years passed, Jack, named after the cab driver who delivered him, made everyone laugh and forget his misfortunes. His laughter and jokes became the stuff of legends.
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