Okay I’m not Tom Cruise. I was just having a bit of fun. Perhaps I was dragging my feet on what I’m supposed to be doing. My name is Alec Baldwin and I’ve been asked by my therapist to write out my “feelings” everyday. Dr Bernstein said that if I aired my worries about my daughter I’d come to a better understanding of our little conflict. I trust the man. You should see him golf.

      First of all let me clear one thing up. When I called Ireland a “thoughtless little pig,” I meant “carefree little oinker”. You see the problem with sound bites is that you can get something out of context. I sometimes refer to Ireland as an oinker as a cute little term of affection. I also confuse “thoughtless” with “carefree”. Yes I said all this in a harsh tone but I’d been rehearsing for a role and I guess some of that “acting-rage” spilled over into the message.

     So Dr Bernstein asked me to write a story where I try to understand life from my daughter’s point of view. The children of celebrities must go through an extra difficult adolescence and sometimes they lash out against their parents but their behavior isn’t as worrying as those who drove planes into the World Trade Center. When children start crashing planes into the pentagon then we should sit them down and have a grand jury talk to them. Until then we have to relax and talk to them calmly. I know that now.

     So here’s a story…



What We Talk About When We Talk About Parental Alienation



     She runs up the stairs and runs into her room. She slams the door and stands behind it with her arms crossed. She stares at the back of the door. There’s no sound in the house. She opens the door and slams it again. She wishes that she had her own personal maid who she could order to slam the door continuously. That would be putting her daddy’s paychecks to good use.

     The plump girl stares at the back of the door for a minute but then gets bored. She runs over to her bed and falls flat on her face. Her legs cross as she breathes into the sheets. She thinks about boys then she thinks about school then she thinks about her female friends and then she thinks about boys again. Then she thinks about the color pink.

    She rolls over to face the ceiling and she remembers the talk her dad gave her about boys. They’d been watching Planet Carnivore which her father had narrated in his powerful voice. After the lioness had been devoured by hyenas her father started talking to her about boys. “The male adolescent is a wily creature,” he’d said in his nature-narration voice.

   She remembers laughing at his little joke.

   She smiles.